Back in the Saddle. Again.

Due to some great disappointment in life, you find yourself suddenly single again. It could have been a divorce, a death — or other, even more ghastly incident. But what you’re going to do about it is the issue because, surprise, you’re older. It’s not as though you’re required to start dating, but a part of your brain remembers how isolation isn’t good for anyone, that sex is (or was) good and that everyone knows how much love makes life better.

So, here goes….

Ageism judges someone by their year of birth, arguably the least relevant item because age just doesn’t matter. If you’re judging yourself from an ageism perspective, you’re making a BIG mistake: Even though there’s a lot of new technology, it’s not as though the rules of human interaction have changed.

So here’s your handy refresher course on romance.

• First, please be aware of your emotional neediness. Accept it. Acknowledge it in conversation. BUT, don’t allow yourself to be controlled by it. You’re a unique person, for cryin’ out loud — and not just anyone will fill that special spot in your life.
• Because you are one of a kind, you’re going to have to take responsibility for doing the research in finding the right mate. This means you’ll have to take responsibility for making dating happen. BTW, if you’re going to have sex, then do so; but that’s not what we’re talking about here. Accept that you’ll have to do a lot of interviewing to find the right candidate — think 20 to 30 different potential mates. Yes, you have to date that many.
• Use your current social circle to help make contacts, but don’t forget sites on the Internet — and not dating sites! Using sites like meetup.com will feel far more natural because it is more authentic to meet someone before you date them. And remember: it’s a meetup, not a hook-up.
• Lastly, learn to do a good intentional interview. Of course, you want compatibility on issues like being a morning vs. night person, introvert vs. extrovert, homebody vs. party animal and so on. If there’s enough interest, you’ll eventually need to find out (remember to use your words!) how much sex the other person prefers, how much affection they like (say, on a 1-to-10 scale) and how adventuresome they are in the bedroom.

Manage your neediness instead of having it manage you. Do your part in building a social circle, and date intentionally. Remember to live life on your own terms and not seek so much common ground that you could both be buried in it.

Do all this, and you have a better chance of finding that special someone now than you ever did — and even if you don’t, you’re going to have a great time in the process!